Category: Projects

Goodbye Texas, Hello Philly!

Posted on by roastedbanana91

There are many changes in the air here in Texas, and it’s not just the weather! If you don’t already know, I’m currently serving in the US Air Force (Obligatory Disclaimer:  My opinions reflected in this blog are not a reflection of the opinions of the US Air Force). I have been serving for just under four years now, and my fiance Jonathan and I have decided that the military lifestyle was not what we wanted for our family.

I’ve applied for separation, and before doing so, I’ve applied to my dream school and was recently accepted to the University of Pennsylvania’s Nursing and Healthcare Administration MSN program! I still have to pinch myself on the cheek when I think about it. The imposter syndrome will be in full force upon day one of going back to school.

But back to my original topic—the changes! Jonathan and I have been thrilled about moving. We also have a number of many other things to prepare for, which is a little hectic: A military separation, a destination wedding with our families, then a reception back home in California where we both grew up.  It makes me a bit anxious to think about all of these things at once, but I’m more grateful than anything.  These problems, I’ve learned, were good problems—the problems that I want.

If you asked me five years ago, I wouldn’t have in a million years thought that I’d be here today in my situation.  If you asked me 10 years ago, I would have been too preoccupied with surviving the day to day to think about having problems like the ones I have now. 

Sometimes, I have to think hard to remember things used to be. When everything was in the air and all I really was fighting for was a way out of my parent’s house, I had a single goal:  make it through Nursing School and practice nursing in the USAF.  It guaranteed two things 1) A way out of the house where the trauma happened, and 2) Financial independence.  Somehow I felt that if I achieved these two things, everything would be alright.  I would be happy. 

What I didn’t realize was that the ultimate achieving of a goal wasn’t what brought happiness. I was happy in California—surrounded by my closest friends, a driving distance from all of my favorite places to run and hike, and working towards my goals.  I know, it’s so cliché: It isn’t the destination, it’s the journey.

When I was finally stationed in Texas, it was a struggle to lose a familiar support system. Jonathan ultimately became my one support system, and while I was learning how to live in a new state, I very quickly learned how beneficial it was to have a support system other than my significant other. 

Poor Jonathan—he must have went nuts for a little bit while we were adjusting. It took us maybe a few years before I could finally explore my own hobbies and interests without feeling obliged to do every single thing with him.

Moving away from what we considered home was a learning experience, and we’re looking forward to the next one. While there are still many uncertainties, there’s too much to be grateful for now.

To close, here are a list of things I’m looking forward to:

    1. The Wedding
    2. The Wedding Reception
    3. Living somewhere more urban
    4. A greater diversity of food options
    5. Experiencing a full 4 seasons
    6. Experiencing what it feels like to live in below 30 degree weather
    7. Releasing Relentless Podcast
    8. Working on my book
    9. Maybe starting a crochet group for survivors
    10. Going back to school!
    11. Adventuring nature in the East Coast
    12. Living close to my sister

This long list seems a little ambitious, and I’m wary of over-committing myself to the point that I used to when I was younger…but I think it makes a huge difference that I know in my heart of hearts that these are the things I want to achieve. Lara Casey, Founder of Cultivate My Life, has an amazing podcast about goal-setting that I’ve been listening to since I’ve purchased the Powersheets. She’s helped me to understand that understanding the why behind my goals well help me to adapt when it’s time to achieve them. That although I may not be able to achieve everything that I set out to do for the year, progress is what is most important.

With that, I think that I’ll end this here. Thank you for being a part of a very exciting time in my life. Stay relentless! ♥

 

Here Goes Nothing!

Posted on by roastedbanana91

I can’t believe that the seeds of my imagination have now bloomed into little sprouts! If it weren’t for Jonathan (my fiancé) and his support (technical, emotional), I wouldn’t have been able to produce what I have so far!

What I’m Working On

I recorded two episodes now, and I’m trying very hard not to overthink or overproduce it. There are so many things I’ve been nervous about:

  • How do I make it clear that my resource is not a perfect replacement for therapy?
  • What if I say something wrong, and accidentally harm someone as a result?
  • What if I’m missing something?
  • What if I don’t speak well enough, that I’m difficult to understand?
  • How do I release this podcast without re-creating a rift in my family when the dynamic is the most peaceful that it has ever been?
  • How do I release this podcast without making it seem like I’m seeking for attention, or pity?
  • What if people start treating me like broken goods (ugh, gross)?

I listened to loads of podcasts…specifically podcasts about how to make successful podcasts, and other podcasts that exist about child sexual abuse. My goal is to create a high quality podcast that serves survivors of CSA as another resource to turn to. 

Why I’m Doing All This

I think about the time a few years after my trauma, when scavenged the ends of the earth to research everything I could find about child sexual abuse. I was thirsty for information. I wanted to understand what happened to me and what I was going through in the aftermath.

I found only a handful of books at the library, an incredible online community of people through pandys.org, a friend who went through something similar through Tumblr. I searched through the article database that was available to me as a nursing student in my university while I studied for my Bachelor’s in Science in Nursing, and saved all of them. I visited the police department of the city where the trauma occurred to find the exact police records that were typed when my perpetrator was arrested, and saved them in a file. I was eager to remember the details of what happened, and to understand why certain situations in my life triggered a very primal response of fear. 

I was so disheartened to find that there wasn’t much that existed when I first began my search in 2009-2010. We didn’t have a “me too” movement then, and while there were a large number of books that talked about what CSA was and its effects…there were very few that talked about what I REALLY wanted to know, in a way that was palatable for me. What I really wanted to know was Why the hell am I going through what I’m going through years after the trauma? And Will I ever get to live a “normal” life?

What I do know, ten years after the fact, is that while normal is possible, having an extraordinary life is possible too. And I don’t want that to come off in a snooty “I did it, so you should be able to do it too” sort of way. I mean it in the “If you dedicate time for the arduous work that it takes to heal, you can live a life better than you’ve ever known” sort of way.

It’s not easy. It’s difficult. Figuring it out myself was like taking the wrong way in the forest a gazillion friggen times in the dark, while still fighting for your survival, and then finally finding the pathway out of the woods. Has that happened to you? It’s terrifying. Don’t actually do it—the getting lost in the woods part. 

My point is, that I want to create something that’s easy to digest, easy to access, and helps survivors like Joanna ten years ago, searching for answers, desperate to survive.

I have so much I want to do, but I’ve made my goals for the year, and one of them, is the Relentless Podcast. While there are so many things to consider, so many things I’m nervous about, this is something that means the world to me right now. 

If I can’t save the world, I hope I can at least help one person that feels alone in this world because of the trauma they’ve experienced as a child.